I suppose I assumed that each check up would get easier and easier. Even though it’s painful and invasive it’s another step away from the cancer coming back each time… right? Yet as the next appointment gets closer I can feel myself regressing into a dark place. The recurring nightmares I originally had starting from diagnosis right through to the operation and then recovery. Your aim is to get to the 5 year mark. 5 years clear and the odds are very low that it will come back… right?
So much has happened since they told me what they found. So many life changes and hurdles that I’ve overcome. And oh so many things to be grateful for and yet, behind all I project outwards from my pink hair to my positive attitude and dancing feet.. there’s a part of me that is utterly, and overwhelmingly petrified. Every time I go there the nurses are lovely. They are sometimes ex-pupils of my mum’s. There’s lots of lovely conversations but ultimately I am a complete emotional mess and convinced that the doctor will return and say those fateful words she said back in 2013. “We’ve found Cancer”. And Every time I’ve been they never say those words. It’s always fine. And it will be this time… right?
I am very lucky to have such an amazing support network and have survived where others were diagnosed too late.
I’ve put these thoughts into a lil blog because I know there’s far too many people going through similar things with all manner of ailments both seen and unseen. Sharing my state of mind so you see that I am human and not some unstoppable, unicorn obsessed, 80’s throwback. Most days I am Battlecat but today the cringer side of has TEMPORARILY taken hold. Once my check up has been and gone and the results come back fine as they usually do I’ll be back to my annoying, babbling, frequent posting, big hair obsessed self. But for now, If I seem distracted or off you’ll understand why. Love to you all x