I woke up this morning with the pressures of life weighing a little too heavy on my soul.

My usual two cups of coffee to kick start my brain didn’t help. Standing at the bus stop wiping tears away, thankful that it’s windy so I can blame the weather for the water leaking from my eyes.

People have always told me I talk too much. This has been intended in both cruel and kind contexts.

The truth is I do like to be quiet but it’s so hard to get my mind to comply. Over thinking everything down to the minutae and then looking at the time and realising I have 2 hours sleep to get me through the next 24 hours.

Talking to other people means I’m getting out

of my own head and into the mutual conversation space we occupy during our interaction.

But I don’t really like talking about anything too personal. I love talking about the 80s, music, nature or even things that seem banal to others like the weather.

This morning I had no one to talk to. So I was trapped inside my own mind slowly torturing myself.

They say we are a product of our environment and yet I have come from a family full of love and support so it makes no sense to feel this isolated as they are always there.

Music always moves my soul but I can also use it to help force out any negative energy if I’m feeling overwhelmed. So I put on Deaf Havana ‘Anemophobia Pt 2.’

The lyrics resonate and flow through me.

“I know I’m growing old, cos the cracks begin to show and I wonder where did 25 years go”

“I see it now and I’m asking for help but only I can fix myself”

“My friends who’ve suffered tragedy and terminal disease but they still laugh about the bad because the good is all they see”

“I see it now and I’m asking for help but only I can fix myself. I see it now”

I look up and see the cloud dominating the sky and wonder if the weather is reflecting my feelings. And then a break in the cloud and sun blinds me. So I close my eyes and let it warm my skin and think that even the sun has trouble shining sometimes. It’s big and full of gas.. not unlike myself…and yet some days it’s only grey we see but without it’s presence we would be in total darkness. And even though it’s faced with a cloud filled sky it keeps trying to break through. I just need to be like the sun (but on a much smaller scale).

Some days like today I just won’t be as bright and full of light. Some days the clouds will take over and dull my outlook but I just need to keep trying to break through. And if you don’t see my usual optimistic self just remember she is there but behind the clouds for a little while.

By shazkira

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